


In the Aftermath

by DavyPrentiss



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV), Thirteen Reasons Why - Jay Asher
Genre: Action & Romance, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-13
Updated: 2018-05-20
Packaged: 2018-10-18 13:24:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10617786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DavyPrentiss/pseuds/DavyPrentiss
Summary: In the aftermath of the tapes and Alex's attempted suicide, Clay looks for comfort from his best friend in the world, Tony Padilla.





	1. Initiating

C L A Y

When it was all over -- for the most part; after I gave the tapes to Mr. Porter, after everything -- it felt so nice to just get away from everything. A few days on the road later, not so much. I want to get back to my mom. I feel bad; I’ve been ignoring her calls and she’s got to be worried sick. I’m assuming she knows at least who I’m with after talking to Tony’s dad, but she’s still got to be losing her mind -- just like me.

In my head, road-tripping with Skye, Brad and Tony sounded perfect. But it’s only made me remember how much annoying Skye is, and realize how hangry/tangry (tired angry? Is that a word these days?) Brad can get. If it were just Tony and I, I think I’d be fine. But after not having really spent much time with Skye for a couple of years, and not really knowing Brad too well to begin with, I was done. I looked over my shoulder and saw that Skye and Brad were asleep in the back of the car. I glared at them and glanced over at Tony, who was staring straight-faced at the road in front of him. His hair was bouncing slightly from the wind, and his shoulders showed a bit of tension, like he was gripping too hard on the steering wheel.

It’s weird; even though I’d now seen Brad and Tony kiss, it was still hard for me to get my head around the fact that Tony, my ultra-macho mechanic friend, was gay. I know, stereotypes and shit, but still. I’d always thought of Tony as straight, and I’d known him a long time. I feel bad about caring, but it’s not like I don’t like the guy or am homophobic or anything like that. As I’d gotten to know Brad better, what Tony had said about dating Ryan made more sense. He basically told me he’d never be friends with someone like Ryan, but that going out with him was totally different. I didn’t get it then, but I can sort of see it now. While Brad seems fine, I don’t think that he and I, or he and Tony, would be friends if they weren’t dating.

Tony jerked his head towards me. “What’s up?”

I awkwardly avoided his gaze and stared at my hands, wringing them in my lap. “Wh-what?”

“Why were you staring at me?” he inquired.

“Just thinking, I guess.”

“Yeah? What’s on your mind, Clay?”

I looked back again to make sure that our travelling companions were still asleep. “Well, I was just thinking … What do you see in Brad? He just seems pissy and annoying to me.”

“Well …” he started, “I think he’s still a little jealous of you.” I gave him a confused look and he continued. “I told you that he was pretty annoyed when we were dealing with all of the stuff with Hannah’s tapes, right? He kind of gave me an ultimatum, that I tell him what was going on or he’d break up with me.” Another sharp pause, with a quick inhale. “I told him all about the tapes, and I thought that would make him understand why we’d been spending so much time together … but then we came on this trip and you sat up front from the get-go--”  
“He told me to!” I interjected.

“Yeah, but he just said that to see if you’d be nice and give it to him. You don’t know boys at all.” He glanced at me and smirked. “Anyway, you and I are really close, and I think that makes him upset. Or sad, or something.”

“He knows I’m not into dudes though, right? If you told him about the tapes, you told him about me and Hannah?”

“Yeah, I told him, but I don’t think it seemed to calm to his jealousy.”

I looked out the window and sighed, unsure of how to respond. Instead, I pulled out my phone and checked my messages. More from my mom, and --surprisingly-- one from Sherri. “Fuck,” I said, as I read the text aloud. “Alex fucking shot himself in the head. Fucking three days ago.” Before I knew what was happening, tears began to fill my eyes. I was such an idiot. I let this happen, again. Tony said something in response, but I couldn’t hear him as the blood rushed to my ears and drowned out everything else. My heart started beating fast and I could feel time slowing down. No, that was Tony slowing the car to a stop and pulling over. 

I’m not sure how it happened, but soon we were pulled over on the highway, cars were zooming past us, and I was crying into Tony’s shoulder. It reminded me of last week when he comforted me. And I’m not sure how, but his embrace somehow did make things feel a little better. After a while, I calmed down long enough to read the rest of Sheri’s text. Alex was in the hospital, and in a coma. But for now, he was stable. Skye and Brad had woken up by now, and we got off the nearest exit to return home. 

***

After dropping Skye and Brad off at their homes, I tell Tony that I can’t go home quite just yet. It’s dark and late, and I ask if I could stay at his house. He looks at me quizzically, with an unspoken question in his eyes, but says that’d be fine. We pull up to his house and head up to his room. We’re both really tired from the drive, and the first thing I do when I get enter the room is sprawl out face-down on his bed.

“You can take the bed, and I’ll get a blanket and sleep on the floor,” he tells me.

“Don’t be silly, Tony; it’s your bed. I’ll sleep on the floor.”

“Clay, I --” Tony sits next to me on the bed and sighs heavily. “I don’t want to fight about this right now. I’m too tired. I’ll take the floor.”

I roll over and make more room for him. “Let’s just share the bed. I don’t want you to sleep badly; especially if we want to go see Alex tomorrow morning.”  
“Are you sure that you’re cool with that?” He looks me in the eyes and I can tell that he’s searching for something.

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be? We’re just friends, right?”

“Right,” he answers, turning and laying next to me.

We didn’t even bother turning the lights off, we both fell asleep almost instantly after that. 

When I wake up, it’s because of the same light, blinding me as light from the outside joined the artificial light from above. I realize that I’m facing Tony, and that my hand is resting on one of his pecs. It feels firm, and for a second I entertain the thought of feeling underneath his t-shirt, before realizing that’s a horrible idea. I look down and see that I have a raging boner from morning wood, and that’s probably what’s got me so worked up. As I look down though, I see that Tony’s sporting a hardon as well. My hand starts moving from his chest to his stomach, approaching the big bulge in his jeans. I’m still groggy, but I want to touch it; I wondered if it would feel like my own when I masturbate.

Suddenly, Tony turns, facing me, still asleep, and I snap out of it. I snatch my hand away and crawl out of Tony’s bed, causing him to stir.

“I’m going to go take a shower,” I tell him, trying to avert is piercing gaze, that all-knowing look he always gives me. “Where do you keep the towels?”


	2. Distancing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When they go and visit Alex in the hosptial, Clay and Tony get even closer, and their relationship continues progressing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, so I got a few comments asking why I don't write more, so I figured why the hell not?
> 
> Don't be too critical, I honestly haven't written fanfiction since I was a freshman in high school (I'm now a sophomore in College). If you have any comments or advice on where you think this story should go, just let me know. It's definitely leading up to a smutty Clony scene, so don't worry about that haha :)

C L A Y

“We’re here to see Alex Standall; he was admitted a few days ago.” The nurse looks up at Tony, then back down at his computer screen. He types something on the keyboard, then looks back up at us.

“This might be a while,” he motions over to seats in the waiting area, “I’ll let you know know when you can go in.” I sigh, and Tony and I head over to the seats where they have a big aquarium and some magazines next to the blue checkered uncomfortable-looking chairs. There’s no one else waiting besides us, and I go over to the fish tank to get a closer look. I wonder if the fish feel trapped. It’s a big aquarium, by fish-tank standards, but you can’t really compare it to the ocean. Now that I’m back in town, I can’t help but feel a little trapped myself. The weight of the tapes is pressing down on me once again, and I wonder if I’d really accomplished anything by leaving. 

I look over at Tony, who’s sitting with his elbows on his knees and his face in his hands. I think about this morning and remember how good his bulge looked this morning. Was it just his briefs, or is Tony packing a big one? Then I realize what I’m thinking, and shrug it off. It doesn’t matter. I’m not into dudes, I don’t want to picture Tony’s dick. Fuck, now I sound like Courtney. He looks up at me and smiles. Damn. He does have a nice smile. I smile back and sit down next to him, unsure of what to do with my hands. I them on my thighs and wait for the nurse to let us know when we can go see Alex. 

Jessica suddenly comes running through the doors and straight up to the nurse. “What happened? Is he okay?” she shrieks. What the fuck? How did she not know about his suicide attempt? The nurse starts to reassure her that he’s stable, but she interrupts him. “Hell, I know that! His parents called me this morning and told me that the situation had changed. What happened? Did he wake up? Did he move a finger or something?”

Tony and I rush over to the front desk and Jessica turns to see us, then brushes us off entirely. “He did wake up, yes, at 4:00 this morning, but it appears that the stress of being awake was too much for his body and his body reverted back into comatosis.” The nurse, whose name tag says “Dean”, is surprisingly calm as he says all this to a hysteric Jessica. 

She turns to us, tears filling her eyes. “He was awake … and I wasn’t there for him … he woke up, and he was all alone.” I awkwardly stick out my arm to pat her on the back, but Tony takes over. He goes in for a full hug, and Jessica beings to weep into his leather jacket. He looks at me and shrugs a little, rubbing her back as she cries. 

“It’s not your fault, sweetie,” Tony says to comfort her, “I’m sure he understands.” She nods her head in agreement, but continues to cry. 

The nurse interrupts their moment, thank God, and says, “The doctors were running some tests, but if you want, you can go in and see him now.” Jessica’s head turns to look at him, and upon hearing Dean’s words, immediately stops crying and pulls away from Tony’s embrace. She starts running down the hall and Tony and I follow her in silence. I think about yesterday when Tony comforted me, just as he comforted Jessica. He’s such a good guy, and he’s so loving and kind. I’m a few steps behind him, and I check him out from behind. Damn, I think again. I’m not sure how much longer I can deny the fact that I like him; that is, in a more-than-friends kind of way. 

But what do I do about it? Fuck if I know. I quickly catch up, and we enter Alex’s room. He has a huge bandage on his chin, and an even bigger one on the top of his head. Shit, did the bullet go through his brain?, I think. As I look at him, I’m not even sure why we came. He’s in a coma, it’s not like we can be here for moral support. But that’s the thing; I do want to support Alex. When he wakes up, I want to be there for him, I want to love him, and I want to let him know. 

Tony walks up to Jessica, who’s standing next to Alex and holding his hand. He puts his arm around her and she leans into him, sighing. “Why do you guys think he did it?” I ask them stupidly.

“What the fuck kind of a question is that, Clay? People don't have reasons to kill themselves. Alex has been depressed for a long time.” Jessica answered harshly. I know that she means Hannah, and I can’t help but to think she’s right. 

***

When we leave the hospital, Tony asks me where I want to go. “Can we go back to the top of the cliff?” I ask. “It felt so good last time.”

“Sure thing, Clay.” He smiles at me, and I swear to God that smile is going to be the death of me. “Do you want to climb again, or just walk up the trail?”

“I bet the trail will be fine. I just need to get up there.”

He nods, and we drive there. When we get out of the car at the trailhead, I look at him and I honestly can’t take it any longer. He’s already starting on the trail, a few feet in front of me, and I grab him by the arm. “Wait, Tony.” I take a step closer, and there’s almost no space between us at all. I can feel his breath on mine. “I-” I start, but he interrupts me by closing the space in between us. He pushes his lips on mine, and I can’t help but push back. I open my mouth, and let his tongue into mine. We start to kiss passionately, and I can the rest of his body responding to mine. My hands move up his arms to his back, and through his soft hair. It feels so good to have him by my side, and all I want to do is keep kissing him forever. 

Then, all of a sudden, he stops. “Clay, I … I have a boyfriend,” he stammers. 

“Fuck him, Brad’s a douche bag anyway. Just kiss me,” I say, pulling him closer. We kiss for a while longer, then he pulls away again, this time taking a step back.

“He might be a douche bag, but I don’t want to be one by cheating on him. Can I just … take you home?” He doesn’t look at me as he says it, just staring down at his shoes.


	3. Timing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After kissing Clay, Tony contemplates what his next set of actions should be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who's read and liked this or commented! It means a lot and it a lot of motivation for me to continue. This chapter is in Tony's perspective, so don't get too confused by that haha.

T O N Y

After dropping Clay off at his house, I drive around for a while. I feel bad for hurting Brad like this, but I feel even worse for Clay. I can’t lie to myself; I’ve wanted to be more than friends with Clay for a long time. A really, really, fucking long time. I’d always thought of him as straight though, especially after listening to Hannah’s tapes. When I listened to Clay’s tape and heard the explicit detail of what they’d done together, I was jealous and frustrated. I wanted that to be me; I wouldn’t have pushed him away, and I wouldn’t have hurt him like Hannah did.

But that’s the other thing: Hannah. If Hannah’s soul was still out there somewhere, what would she think of Clay and I together? Would it make her mad? Sad? Did it matter? Is it wrong for me to want Clay? When he kissed me, was it just to give him comfort when he was hurting? 

All things things go through my head as I drive around. As it got darker, I go to the park; the park where Hannah had her first kiss, and the park where Clay found out that I knew about the tapes. Even though it was just a few weeks ago, I remember the look on his confused face. I wanted to kiss him then, too. I wanted to tell him that it was all going to be okay, and that I loved him, and that no matter what he heard I would be there for him.

I get out of the car and walk over to the slide where an unfortunate picture of Hannah Baker started a rumor that would eventually lead to her demise. I sit at the bottom and all I can think about is Clay. I feel a buzzing in my jeans and I pull out my phone. It’s Brad. “Fuck,” I say before answering. “Hey Brad. What’s up?”

“Hey. I just wanted to see how you were doing. You didn’t text me back earlier when I asked how it went in the hospital. How is Clay holding up?”

How is Clay holding up? I don’t fucking know, Brad. Maybe he’s thinking about our kiss, like me. “Um … yeah, sorry, we saw Jessica there too and we got a little caught up. Clay is doing okay, I guess, considering.”

“And what about you, Tony? How are you?”

“I, um …” I pause for a second before continuing. “Clay kissed me.” What am I saying?

“What?” Brad asked. It’s hard to tell what kind of tone he asked me in.

“Yeah, um, it was out of nowhere and it didn’t mean anything. I told him I had a boyfriend that I couldn’t.” I’m lying, and I don’t lie. I try to be honest all of the fucking time, but I don’t want to hurt him. I don’t want to hurt Clay. I wish that I’d never kissed him. Mierda, no I don’t. I wish that I could kiss him every day and that we were together and that we could be happy despite all of the shit that we’ve been going through. 

“That’s really weird, Tony … I thought that Clay was into girls?”

So did I. “I think he was just missing Hannah and it was all overwhelming when we went to see Alex, you know? We’ve got to cut him some slack, he’s dealing with a lot right now.”

“Yeah, sure, man. It’s okay. As long as it doesn’t happen again.”

“Definitely not, Brad. I’m so sorry. But um, my dad’s calling for me. I think he needs my help in the shop or something. Let’s talk later. Deal?

“Sure. I love-” I hang up before he can finish. I can’t hear that right now. Why did I do that? Why would I lie to him? 

Before I can put my phone away, I feel it start to buzz again. This time it’s Clay. I let it ring for a while, contemplating if I should answer. What will I even say. I end up answering, but say nothing. After a few uncomfortable seconds, Clay’s voice comes through the speaker on my phone, and I can tell he’s been crying. “Tony?”

“Yeah?”

“Can we talk about what happened?”

“Clay, I’m not sure that’s the best idea.”

“Tony, you’re my best friend. Right now, you’re my only friend. Please.”

I think for a second before answering. Maybe if I see him, and hear what he as to say, it could solve … something. “What if I just come over and we can talk at your house? I don’t think we can have this discussion over the phone.”

“Well it’s pretty late …” he says uncertainly. I’m not sure if the uncertainty is because he doesn’t want his parents to hear me come in, or if it’s because of the kiss, or whatever else could be going on in Clay’s complicated head.

“No problem, I’ll be there in 10.” I hang up, again before he can respond. I rush to my car, put the key in the ignition and am on my way. What will I say?

When I pull in front of the Jensen house, I question my decision to see him. What if he tells me that it was all a mistake, and that he doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore? What if he doesn’t? The suspense is killing me, so I text him letting me know that I’m outside and he comes to the front door, opening it meticulously so that his parents won’t hear any creaks from the hinges. “Come in,” he whispers. I enter and start to take off my shoes. “Don’t worry about it, let’s just get upstairs before my parents wake up.” Wake up? I look down at my watch and see that it’s 2 AM. When did that happen? I must have been at the park thinking for longer than it seemed. We head upstairs and he sits on his bed. He then awkwardly pats the bed, indicating for me to sit down next to him. 

Before I do, I realize that he’s barely wearing any clothes. He’s in his boxers and an undershirt tank-top. After taking a seat next to him, I look at his eyes and I can see the sadness in there, but this time, I see more than just sadness. I can tell that he’s attracted to me, and I can’t express how good that made me feel. He didn’t just kiss me back to be nice, or because he missed Hannah; he really wanted me. And I wanted him too. “So …?” I say, but before I can finish my thought he leans in and kisses me. I scoot closer to him as I kiss back, putting one hand on the back of his head and another on his bare thigh. 

*To be continued*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Chapter 4 is going to be super mega smutty. That's why I stopped where I did, so that just in case you're not into that, you can skip and it and just read the story parts. Let me know what you think and any ideas you have down in the comments! Thanks for reading.


	4. Cogiendo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clay and Tony's first time together <3 Smut warning lol

T O N Y

_… before I can finish my thought he leans in and kisses me. I scoot closer to him as I kiss back, putting one hand on the back of his head and another on his bare thigh._

Just knowing that my hand is close to his dick turns me on more than I’ve ever felt with Brad. I start to rub his leg up and down as we kiss, my hands getting closer and closer to his cock. I can feel his hands rubbing my back, then going up my shirt. The skin-to skin contact makes me want to blow my load already, but I know that it’s obviously much too soon. I want to make this last. As we start to feel each other up, I grab on his hard cock through his thin boxers and start to jack him off. I’ve wanted to touch Clay’s dick since the first moment I’d met him; I can only imagine what it must feel like in my mouth. _Fuck yeah,_ I think, _Now I’m going to know what he tastes like._

He makes a strangled moan as I continue to stroke his cock. Suddenly, I feel his bare cock on my coarse hands. His boxers are so loose that it slipped right through the pee slit. “Aaaah -” He moans into my ear. He pulls my hand away from his dick to remove my shirt and jacket. He does so, and when it’s off he feels my chest. He runs his hand from my neck to my pelvis and places his hand right on my hard cock, pressing hard. I write in pleasure and he smiles at me. “God, you’re so cute when you’re horny,” he tells me. Hearing him call me cute got me even more worked up, so I pushed him over and jumped in his lap. We continue to make out as I straddle him, humping my hard dick into his chest and then rubbing his cock with my ass. His hands go to my butt and he starts to help move me into him. My body is literally on fire when he thrusts his hands down my tight underwear and feels my butt cheeks. I still can’t get over the fact that Clay fucking Jensen is getting turned on by touching my bare ass.

I strip off his shirt and we continue making out. My jeans are getting a little too tight for comfort, so I stand and get out of those, pulling my briefs down simultaneously and revealing my hardon to Clay for the first time. He cock is at eye-level and he leans forward, seemingly fascinated. “I didn’t know that you were … uncircumcised,” he says, sounding slightly confused. He grabbed my cock and started to move my foreskin up and down, hypnotized by my foreign member. 

“That’s what happens when you’re from Puerto Rico, Clay. None of us get cut.” He doesn’t seem to hear what I’m saying and continues playing with my rock hard cock. A bit of precum leaks out and he looks up at me with puppy-dog curious eyes. 

“Can I … ?” I know what he’s asking, and don’t make him finish. I nod, and put my hand gently on the top of his head, slowly guiding him down. When he face is real close, he sticks his tongue out licks my head, lapping up the precum. 

My body shivers in response, and when he licks the head again, this time with more pressure, I let out an “Asi, asi esss”. My brain always reverts to spanish when I’m fucking. Maybe that’s why they call it a language of love. He takes another lick, this time from the base of my penis to the head, and my head rolls back. I look down at him, and he starts to take my dick into his mouth. At first just the head, then a little bit farther until he can’t go anymore. 

“Fuck dude. It’s big,” he says. “How big is it?”

“It’s just above average Clay, about 8 inches. But don’t worry, you’re doing fine man,” I reassure him. He nods and takes me into his mouth again, this time with more head bobbing. It feels so fucking good, but the best part was looking down and seeing who was doing it to me. The fact that it was Clay made it so much better. “Aah, basta ya,” I say after a while, “Let me suck you.” He smiles a geeky smile and leans back. I get on my knees and examine his cock before I do anything else. It’s large, maybe about 7 inches and his down-right amazing. It’s sticking slightly upward, and has a beautiful bulbous cut head that is glistening with precum. His dark pubes were fairly unkempt, which just turned me on because it was Clay, and he had big, round, low-hangers to match the size of his dick. That’ what I went for first: his balls. I grabbed his dick and held it up so that I could get to them more easily. I stick my tongue out and lap up his hairy balls, taking one into my mouth at a time and swirling them around. I do this while slowly jerking on his cock and reaching up to twist at his nipples.

After focusing on his balls for a while, I take his dick in my throat in one swift motion, and it takes him by surprise. I can tell because all of his muscles tense and he sharply inhales. I love sucking dick. I move up and down on him, enjoying every second. I focus on just the head for a while, then the base and then the slit. He’s writhing in pleasure, but I don’t want him to cum just yet. Luckily, I don’t have to say anything because I grabs my face with both hands and pulls me up for a passionate kiss. “Tony, you give the best head I’ve ever had,” he whispers between kisses.

“Clay, that was the only head you’ve ever had.”

“And it was the best,” he said, rubbing my ass and kissing my neck. 

“So, um … how far do you want to go? How much do you want to do?” I ask coyly. I think of all the things I want to do with Clay, everything I’ve ever thought about doing to him. I want to taste his asshole, for him to taste mine. I want to 69 until my throat is raw, and I want his huge cock inside my asshole. I want him to pound me bareback and feel every inch of him inside of me. I want to play around with some toys and his ass, and I want take his cherry away and cogerlo hasta que ya no pueda caminar. 

Clay looks at me innocently and asks, “Do you think we could just jerk each other off until we cum?”

I smile at him and think, _All of that can wait. This won’t be the last time._ “Yeah Clay, sure thing.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I'm not the best at smut scenes. Let me know if you liked it and if not how I can improve! Thanks for reading!


	5. Questioning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After their hookup, Tony's been ignoring Clay and Clay doesn't want to scare Tony away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Netlfix is dropping season 2 tonight, and I got randomly inspired to write more to this fanfic about a year later, so deal with it haha :P Anyway, I'm still not sure where/if this is going, but maybe if people want me to write more/show interest I can continue it. I have some ideas.

C L A Y 

 

It’s been a week since Tony and I first hooked up, and I’m just as fucking confused as ever about him. After all, Tony has been my best friend for a while now, and everything that had happened with Hannah had just made us even closer. Does me thinking that make me a bad person? Honestly I’m not sure, and I can barely give a fuck. When I think about Hannah, and how things felt with her, and when I think about Tony, and how things are with him, my mind wants to implode because it’s all just too much.

Tony has basically pretended that things between us were exactly the same as before we’d hooked up, but I just know that isn’t true. We’ve hung out once or twice since it happened, but when I brought it up he just shushed me. He’s still dating Brad, and I know it because I saw a picture that Brad posted of them on Instagram two days ago. The caption read “Hiking with my man”, and they’d gone to this beautiful waterfall. My phone buzzing in my pocket pulls me out of my thoughts, and I slip it out my pocket covertly. 

“Clay, pull that phone out again and I’ll be forced to take it away.” Apparently, not covertly enough. I half-smile at Mrs. Bradley and shove my phone back into my pocket. I try to listen to what Mrs. Bradley is saying, but I don’t care that much about learning to communicate with my peers lately. Except for Tony, that is. I’d love to know how to communicate with him. 

When school gets out, I want to see Tony. He’s practically all I think about. That being said, I want to give him some space to work out things with he and Brad before I further engage in any type of physical or romantic relationship with him. What other things in my life, besides Tony, should I be focusing on? Fuck, probably things like homework. It’s been a while since I’ve even thought of school as a priority in my life. 

On my bike ride home, I think of topics to distract myself from Tony. I think of Hannah, but that just makes me think of Tony again. I think of school, but that just reminds me of checking Tony out in the locker room. I think about Alex, and I wonder how he’s doing. Fuck, it actually worked, something that could help me get my mind off of Tony. I turn around and bike as quickly as I can towards Alex’s house. I almost run over a seemingly dazed bird, but I make it. I look up at his house, and realize that he may not even be home yet. It’s been over two weeks since his head injury, but it was a pretty gnarly one. Should I call the hospital, to see if he’s checked out yet?

I’d heard through the rumor mill that he’d woken up the day after Tony and I went by to see him, but that he was still in intensive care for a few days. The school had quieted after that, so I’m not even sure if he’ll be inside.  _ Fuck it,  _ I think, and park my bike on the sidewalk before walking up through his front yard and porch to his front door. I struggle between knocking and ringing the doorbell, but before I can decide Alex’s looming dad opens the front door, smiling widely. 

“Come in, come in,” he says warmingly and beckons me in. I’m surprised, not thinking that he would just invite a stranger into his home, but enter anyway. Alex’s dad is wearing a local police uniform and his name tag reads “Deputy Standall”. 

“Hey, Deputy Standall. My name is Clay Jensen and I’m a friend of Alex’s,” I smile nervously. 

“That’s great. Just take your shoes off, come sit down, and I’ll go get Alex. Do you need anything to drink? Or eat?”

“No, I think I’ll be okay actually,” I say as I bend over to untie my shoes.

“Are you sure? I have water, lemonade, orange juice, a beer?” I move to the couch he’d gestured to earlier and reluctantly nod my head.

“Yeah, actually, wonder sounds great.” He leaves and I examine Alex’s living room. It’s almost entirely void of decoration, and aside from the couch and a TV with a stand it was barren. The walls were painted a sort of sickly orange, with matching outdated orange and brown carpet. After a few minutes, Alex entered the room and smiled weakly at me, handing me a glass of water then sitting down next to me. The first thing I notice about him is that both of his bandages are gone, and that I can barely see any signs of his injury. 

“Hey, Clay,” he says softly. “What brings you here?” He looks really drained, and I can’t tell if its because he’s tired or something else.

“Well, uh, I heard about your, um accident and wanted to come by and see if you were doing okay and stuff,” I stammer out awkwardly. Accident? Really, Clay? What the fuck?

He laughs a little and says, “I’m doing alright, Clay. I mean, like, I didn’t succeed in killing myself so, there’s that.” He’s staring in his lap and I’m staring at him, not knowing how to respond. All of a sudden he looks up and his eyes meet my gaze.

“You boys need anything?” his father butts in to break the silence, appearing from around the corner. 

“That’s okay, thanks dad,” Alex waits until his dad leaves and continues under his breath, “He’s been like this since we got back from the hospital. After years of neglect, he finally cares about how I’m doing. That’s not something that I anticipated, actually.”

“Hey Alex,” I stutter, “I - I am glad that you’re here. I’m glad that you’re alive.” I touch his leg and squeeze his thigh, extremely uncomfortable but wanting to be there for him. We sat like that in silence for a bit before he responded.

“Thanks, Clay. Thanks for coming and um, seeing me. But I have a bit of a headache and the doctor says that I’m not supposed to entertain visitors too long, so …” He trails off, but he didn’t have to tell me twice. I was selfishly really glad to get out of the extremely uncomfortable situation. 

“Yeah man, it was really no problem. If you need anything, anything at all, you have my number. Just text me, or call me.” He stands and holds the door open for me as I put my shoes on.

“Sure thing, Clay. I’ll text you.” He shuts the door behind me and I take a big breath.

I’m glad that I went, but I honestly barely even knew Alex before Hannah and the tapes. Even if he hadn’t just almost died, I probably would have been uncomfortable in his house like that. Right?

I get on my bike and head home, and I immediately start to think about Tony again. Why won’t he actually talk to me? Do I really just need to give him space? Fuck it, I should call him. I pull out my phone and get there from my recent calls. I probably shouldn’t be talking on the phone and riding a bike at the same time, but I’ve done it before. It rings a few times before Tony picks up. “Hey Clay,” he says quietly, “Now’s really not a good time, okay?”

“When is it going to be a good time, Tony? You’ve been ignoring me for a week now.”

“Sorry about that, Clay. I really am. I have a minute, tops, if you want to talk now. Or we can talk later, it’s up to you.”

“I’ll take what I can get. What the fuck, Tony? Why did you make out with me one night then ignore me for the next week?”

“I told you this already, after we first kissed. I have a boyfriend. His name is Brad, and he was already jealous of you before we’d done anything. What do you want me to do, Clay? Am I just supposed to leave my comfortable relationship so that I can comfort-fuck my sexually confused best friend  who’s mourning the death of his ex-girlfriend until he realizes that he is, indeed, straight?” His voice rose in pitch and got faster as he finished until he practically yelled the last few words. I stop my bike, and tears begin to well up in my eyes. 

“I, um, I’m sorry Tony.” I hang up the phone and close my eyes and cry silently in the middle of the road. The shittiest part is that I’m not even sure if he’s wrong.    
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it! DM me any good Clony fanfics you think I should read, because who doesn't need more Clony in their life?


	6. Experimenting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clay struggles with his identity and sexuality, and after a conversation with his father, he wonders if the only way to know more is to experiment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! If you're liking where this is going, please let me know! I have some more ideas for this project that I'm really excited about, so let me know how you liked this chapter down below. If you have any suggestions or critiques, those are also very welcome!

**C L A Y**

The graphs on my notebook paper are starting to blur into the binder beneath them, which was in turn blurring into my desk. I strained my eyes to focus, but couldn’t quite do it. My eyes were telling me that I needed to sleep, but I had so much homework to do before Monday. The day after Tony said what he did to me, I’d layed in bed for most of the day and didn’t go to school. The next days weren’t much better, so now my body is drained from homework I’ve already done today, practically begging me to take a nap. My eyes are forced shut, and annoying the first thing that I see when they close is Tony’s face. His frustratingly perfect eyebrows, his infuriatingly twinkly eyes, and his oh-so-kissable lips. 

I go back and forth between whether I agree with what Tony said or not. When I think of his face, I want to kiss it. I see someone that I love, a lot. I see the friendship that we’ve grown in the past years, and I also see a new lover that I want to be naked with. But is he right? Is my sexual attraction to him a fluke from feeling alone after my ex-girlfriend killed herself, and I’m just confusing it for romance because of our already strong bond? I honestly don’t know the right answer; I just know that I want Tony in both ways. I want him to be here for me as a friend and emotionally, and I also want to bang him. Whether that means I’m “in love” with him, or whether it means I just need him for now, I’m still not sure. 

A knock on my door jolts my eyes open and startles me. “Hey bud, is it alright if I come in?” my dad asks through the crack between the hinges and the door.

“Sure dad,” I say, smiling, “Come on in.”

He closes the door behind him and sits on my bed. I turn in my chair to face him, and he looks at me sort of speculatively and expectantly. I stare at him for a few seconds before realizing he won’t say anything until I start. “What’s up, dad?”

“Well, son, I was thinking that you’d start by telling me,” he says slowly. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but you missed three days of school this week and you didn’t even miss school after Hannah died.”

“Whaaat?” I say, trying to make a joke out of it. He just looks at me, concerned, until I elaborate. “Well, dad, it’s um, it’s sort of, well … I’m not really sure how to say it, I’m not sure what you’d even be able to do to help me if that makes sense.”

“Try me, Clay. I might know more than you think.”

I quickly go through some of the options that I can see happening if I do talk to him about what’s happening. He could be angry, but I know that my dad is liberal and would be ecstatic if I were gay. He could just feel awkward about it. He could be happy, because he’s been wanting to know what’s been up with me for months. Fuck it. I swallow my feelings and blurt out, “Tony and I have been sort of messing around.” I look down at my feet and pray silently to God that when I look up my dad isn’t looking at me. 

I take a quick glance and  _ shit _ , he saw that I looked. I look back to my feet and wait for him to respond. My body feels rigid, like it’s trying to decide whether to flee or play dead. “Messing around? Do you mean, like … sexually?” I nod stiffly. He continues, “Son, your mother and I are perfectly fine with it if you’re gay. In fact, we’ve even talked about if it were the case-”

“I don’t think I’m gay, dad,” I interject, still looking purposefully at my shoes. “I just, um, I really like him but I don’t know if it’s just, like, sexual, or more like romantic? I mean, like, I- ah, um, I know that I like him as a friend and all, but I can’t tell if it’s more like a love, or a lust thing with the sexual attraction?”

He reaches out and squeezes my thigh. I move my eyes from my feet to his hand, then up his arm to his face, which was smiling at me widely. “Clay, I love you, you know that right? You know that you can talk to me about anything?” I couldn't’ tell if I was supposed to respond or not. “I don’t want you to be nervous talking to something to your own father. You can literally talk to me about anything.”

“Thanks, Dad,” I say, smiling back at him.

“And I just am going to be frank with you, because I think that is what you need right now. You seem like you’ve been really stressed about this. I know that you don’t want to hurt Tony. I think that you may want to figure yourself out before pursuing things further with him. Get out there, experience new things with new people … boys, girls … who  _ aren’t  _ Tony.”

Is my dad saying what I think he is? “Um, okay?” I say lamely. 

He nods and stands, then pats me on the shoulder. “Good talk, son,” he says before leaving the room and closing the door behind him. I spin in my chair, thinking. Did my dad really just suggest that I should go sexually experiment with boys and girls? That seems like it would be coming from so far left-field from any talk we’ve had before. Whenever we would talk about sex, he’d always say that I should wait until I was in a committed relationship. 

But the more I try to look at it from another perspective, that’s the only way that his advice could make sense. Either way, I don’t plan on following his advice. The only people that I’ve ever done anything with are Hannah and Tony, and I don’t plan on having sex with more than that anytime soon. 

One good thing that did come from this chat with my dad was that it gave me a break so that I could work on my homework. After getting a little distracted by phone games, I start working on my calculus again. I plug my headphones in and zone out as I blaze through my Calculus and move on to my English paper about Mary Shelley’s  _ Frankenstein. _ Part way through, I’m interrupted by a call from an unknown number. 

I quickly quick accept and answer. “Hello?”

“Hey Clay, it’s me, Alex,” I hear from the other line faintly. It sounds like he’s been crying. _ Fuck, not again,  _ I think to myself. I could hardly stand being around him for too long just the other day. I just had no idea how to respond to him. 

“Oh, um, hey Alex. Do you want to talk about anything in specific, orr?” I trial off awkwardly. 

“No, um, I sort of just need a distraction right now and I wasn’t sure who to turn to. Could you just tell me a story?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


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